Grandma

Amidst everything that goes on in my life on a daily basis, I am dealing with the scary and true reality that very soon my grandmother will no longer be here on this earth. On Sunday I talked to my mom and something drastic had happened and my grandmother has taken a very bad turn. We are no longer hoping for months, but waiting for the hours and days until her passing. When I saw her 2 weeks ago on her 82nd birthday, she looked very fragile and weak, but was getting along good and was able to somewhat have a conversation. February of this year she was diagnosed with liver cancer. I can not tell you enough how many times I have heard 'cancer' in my life. I have only had one experience where someone I loved deeply was able to overcome it. How very grateful I am that the Lord spared my mom's life so that she is able to still be here with me.

I was talking to my mom yesterday morning about her mother and the decision to stay by her mom's side or to go home and visit with my family and enjoy Thanksgiving. At this point there is no time frame. Like I said it could be hours that we have left with her or it could be days, maybe even a week or more. I tried to explain that with as hard as it will be to miss Thanksgiving with my family and miss seeing my brother (who is moving to Indiana), being with her mother is a once in a lifetime moment. I think she needs to be there with her- and later my mom did agree. Since there is just a lot of sitting and waiting, I asked if I could go down and give my mom some projects to do. She said yes- and asked if while I was there if we could also go the nursing home and see my grandfather and give him a haircut. Of course I said yes, so I piled my kids in the car and met my great husband who was willing to leave work early. I spent the rest of the night talking with my mom and visiting both grandparents. My dear grandmother looks so done. That is the best word that I can come up with. She is nothing but bones, and she is no longer talking. When she does it doesn't make sense and you can hardly hear it. She is very agitated and incoherent. When I went into her room, she kept calling me Jane- who is her sister- and I would say no I'm Erica and she would then just moan. At the end of the night, when I finally decided that I better head home, I went back in to tell her my final goodbye and tell her that I loved her- she did answer back saying I love you honey. So I feel so lucky to have gotten the chance to actually say goodbye. What an amazing blessing that I will cherish forever!

About a week and half ago, my grandmother called me and asked me to give the eulogy at her funeral. I have felt many thoughts- much like inadequacy, fear, honored, etc. My grandmother has lead a really great life. I have offered many prayers and will continue to offer lots more- in help and direction to say what needs to be said and to be able to get through it properly. Several years ago, my grandma decided to write down some of her history for her daughters. She then asked me to type it up for her. I have had the immense pleasure of reading her history and getting to talk to her about many things that happened in her life. Although there is a bit of sadness that she didn't get very far- there is so much more I would have loved to know. This is a true testament to writing and keeping a journal for me! Going backwards is so much harder and there is so much that gets missed. My grandmother has been very close to me. I grew up close in distance to her and my grandpa, so there is a rare Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Father's Day, birthdays, etc that we didn't spend with them. Plus there was the occasions in school like Grandparents Day, and when we were learning about WWII when my grandpa came and spoke to my whole seventh grade class. It has been so awesome to get to have them here to participate in these things with me. Then there was the time that I lived with them for over a year while I was attending cosmetology school. They were the first ones to met any of my dates and especially my most special one- my husband. I have had many opportunities to help out with their hair- such as haircuts, and perms. At times it seems like so little, but I loved the times that I got to sit and just talk with them when I was working on their hair. These are several of the moments that I remember. I am so grateful and I will cherish all of them forever.